My 2 year old was terrified by a nasty monster on TV. Since then, the monster must have learned some social skills as she was mortified when a well meaning friend ‘caught the monster’ and tossed it out the window. She is now looking every where for her precious monster! Unfortunately, not all fears pass this easily.
Most children will have a phobia (an irrational but real fear) at some time. Some may develop from a trauma (eg a dog bite) or seeing another person afraid (Mom shuddering at a spider). Others have no identifiable cause. Children may avoid certain places or events (eg bath-time) and they may even feel their hearts beating quickly, tremble or have stomachaches.
Children tend to fear particular things at different ages. Here is a rough guide:
6 months: Stranger anxiety, separation from parent, falling
1-2 years: Separation from parent, noises, animals, bath, toilet, bedtime, dark, doctor
3-4 years: Noises, animals, loss of parent, getting lost, going to school, bedtime, monsters/ghosts, anyone would looks different to family; e.g. beard, death, divorce etc.
5 years: Noises, animals, monsters, ghosts, getting lost, going to school, loss of parent, death, injury, divorce
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP
Accept her fears as valid. You might tell her that there are no monsters under the bed, but she probably won’t believe you! She will feel more supported if you acknowlede her fears, “Jessie’s scared of under the bed” and hug her.
If he is younger than 2 and scared of (eg) dogs, try avoiding them for a few months. He may mature enough to deal with his fear, or even forget it. Don’t ry to make him pat a dog until he is ready, and then introduce him slowly (like a small dog behind a fence). If barking is scary, give your child more information: “dog’s bark because that’s how they talk. When they are excited, the bark loudly.” Or “That sounds like loud barking, but the dog’s actually singing his favourite song”.
Children need to learn to cope with fear. You can teach your child to take deep, even breaths, or to turn the scary monster into a funny or friendly one with imagination. Older children can make a plan - like keeping a torch near the bed. Books about fears can be reassuring too. Parents can also supervise what children watch on TV.
Older children may fear going to school. In this case, it is often best to drop your child off quickly with a short loving goodbye. But do take time to talk about the problem, and find out if there is an underlying cause such as bullying, fear of punishment or a tiff with a friend.
A visit to a Psychologist is warranted if the fears are intense and become phobias and your child does not respond to reassurances or if the fears are interrupting daily activities or resulting in repeated nightmares.
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This article was written by Anwen Scholtz, a child psychologist operating in the Durban area.