Today, a friend told me of an 86 year old, who, on her death bed, asked her 64 year old son to be nice to his sister! As a mother and a sister, I know how important sibling relationships are. Right now, I can’t remember what my youngest daughter’s first ‘real’ word was. But there is another first word that I can remember clearly. The sisters were in the bath, when a barrage of screaming and splashing broke out. Just before I stormed in to meet out justice, a little voice called out “wowwy”. A quieter voice replied “sorry”.
The reality is that some sibling rivalry normal. It is inevitable that there will be some conflict as wants and needs clash. The home can be a safe place for children to learn how to handle conflict and have their needs met without hurting their relationships.
If sibling rivalry gets out of hand, the home can feel like a war zone with few cease-fires. Parents can assume to role of negotiator, police or judge. Children assume the role of victim or instigator. While family members are playing these roles, rivalry escalates despite a lot of energy going into peace keeping.
WHY DO CHILDREN FIGHT?
There are the normal ‘tiffs’ over sharing toys and taking turns. These fights are usually resolved if left alone. Fights that are loud and physical may be an unconscious attempt to get the parent’s attention. Children may wait to see who’s side you take. There may be an attempt to make the other sibling look bad so that they can feel like they are the ‘favourite’.
Parents can help by refusing to play the role of judge, policeman or negotiator. This takes of the power out of the struggle, and refusing to take sides can help children to cooperate. If you need to involve yourself, try to respond equally to each child without taking sides. eg: “Jamie, please give Amy her book back, and Amy, please ask nicely.” With older children, giving choices may help: “You are fighting again. You can either talk nicely now, or you can each go to your own bedroom to cool off.” “I don’t care who started it, you’re both fighting. If you don’t choose soon, I’ll choose for you and you can go to your bedrooms.”
Sibling relationships are also potentially the most loyal and lasting friendships that your children will know. Enjoying quality time as a family, building memories together and sharing the good times and supporting each other when life is tough can provide your children with a compass that will always direct them home.
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This article has been written by Anwen Cunningham, a child psychologist based in Durban.