House Rules For Families

Wouldn’t it be great if our children just instinctively knew the difference between right and wrong and behaved acceptably all the time. Unfortunately they don’t come that way, in fact they will learn much about rules and boundaries and right and wrong from a very young age and mostly at home. Even if you have someone else caring for your child in the day – a child minder or a pre-school, you are still the primary socializing agent in your child’s life.

We have also been given the mandate from God to teach our children God’s way in life Deuteronomy 6:4-8 says the following “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.”

That sounds great and really obedient to the Lord’s word – but how do we do that practically?

The first step is to help children understand WHY we need to have house rules – they are there to protect each of us; they are there so that we can learn what is right and wrong.

The second step is to involve your children in drawing up the house rules (obviously with lots of guidance) as parents we need to listen to what our children bring to the conversation and listen carefully to hear what they think is needed in your home – for example I have 3 sons – aged 5 ; 8 and 10 – the youngest one suggested that we have “no hitting” as a rule; the middle one asked for “don’t break anyone’s lego stuff” ; the oldest one suggested “knock before you go into someone’s room” – all of these are age appropriate and important for the boys involved and we were able to put them all into one rule that says – RESPECT – here we were also able to add in respecting Mom and Dad’s stuff and respecting possessions and things around the house.

Other values that we want to instil in our children might be things like “We all do our chores or help around the house” and “there is a time for everything “- this includes things like quiet; bed time; play time; computer time; TV time; homework time; family time and private time.

For younger children we need to have fewer rules – for example “we love each other” which will include things like sharing and listening to instructions. As parents be sure that you also have your say and find a way to include your own personal and family values –maybe a good exercise to undertake before you look at family rules and values.

Once the basic and overarching family rules have been discussed and agreed upon; written down in a creative way and displayed in a prominent place in the home (like on the fridge) we now need to decide on the consequences for breaking the house rules – these need to be decided on together; they need to be age appropriate and they need to be carried out CONSISTENTLY in order for the house rules and values to be understood, followed and internalised by the children ( and parents!)

Good luck with the rules and boundaries and remember that most children will test the system at least once if not many times and they will just want to make sure that they are safe within these rules.

Happy Parenting!

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This article has been written by Jean Geerthsen. Jean is currently a facilitator for Evergreen parenting courses; and a trainer for All That’s Kids. She has extensive experience working with children, teenagers and families over the last 17 years as a Youth and Children’s Pastor. She is married to Klaus, and they have 3 sons ages 10; 8 and 5. Jean’s vision is to strengthen the family and bring Children and parents together and empower churches to bring the gospel to children of all ages. You can get hold of Jean at jean@geerthsen.co.za or evergreenparenting.co.za

How to Assess the Fitness Levels of Your Children

If you're wondering just how healthy your children are, you can find the answers yourself by taking a look at their eating and exercise habits. By establishing healthy habits in childhood, your kids will likely maintain these habits into adulthood. This can be a good thing if they eat well and exercise now, but if not, then they're more likely continue with poor eating and sedentary habits into adulthood, which leads to a host of disease risks and conditions. Ask yourself these questions (answer yes or no to each) to determine where you child stands now, and how you can improve as a family.

Exercise Questions:

1. Does your child enjoy at least 30 minutes of physical activity daily?
2. Does your child have active hobbies & pastimes, such as playing outdoors, riding his/her bike, and engaging in individual or group sports?
3. Does your child seem comfortable with his/her body?
4. Does your child appear to enjoy being active?
5. Does your child have access to exercise equipment, such as a bike, jump rope, good shoes, balls, or sporting equipment?
6. Do you exercise and make it a priority?
7. Does your family get active together by walking, hiking, doing yard work, swimming, or playing outside?
8. Do you know how much exercise is appropriate for your child's age?

For every "yes" answer, pat yourself on the back--your family has done well with establishing some healthy exercise habits. For every "no," try to see how you can improve your family's lifestyle. Remember, as a parent you are in control. Your children will emulate your habits, so if you don't exercise, verbally express negative attitudes towards exercise, or if you don't encourage your children to be active, then maybe you need to work on changing your own actions; your family will follow suit.

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This article has been written by Luba Schotter, a director at EnerGI Foods which specialises in the development and production of low GI foods. To find out more go to www.energifoods.co.za or contact Luba directly at luba@energifoods.co.za

Teaching your child about God – Pre School (0-4 yrs)

One of the most common questions I have ever answered as a Children’s Pastor to parents is when should I start teaching my children about God and how do I do it. The answer is relatively simple, you begin teaching your children about God even before they are born. The decision really is about how intentional you are about the process of laying down a spiritual foundation.

The key aspect of laying down a spiritual foundation for this age group is that of love. Your child needs to understand that they are loved, accepted and wanted by you and also by God. They experience God’s love for them through you. Remember that children of this age do not have abstract thought and love is a concept that is very difficult to understand, even for many adults. We as parents need to model God’s love for them in the way we care for, nurture our children and even provide discipline in the home.

As a parent from this early stage you can begin to pray with and for your children as well as let them see you praying in every day moments. This includes giving thanks to God, praising Him and asking Him to help in situations as well as confessing the things we have done wrong.

For many children having a story time at night is a wonderful way to calm them down before going to bed as well as increasing their love for reading, why not take the time to read a Bible story for them and then take 5 minutes afterwards to talk about how this story applies to their lives. There are many wonderful Bible Story books available. Remember for this age to stick to something that will take about 3 minutes to read.

What concepts can you teach this age group?
1. That God exists – Children learn this from the way you model your relationship with God.

2. That God loves you – Children learn this through the way you express your love for them, verbal and physical. A wonderful song you could use as a family is Jesus loves you. We can teach them that God loved us so much that He let Jesus die on the cross for us.

3. God wants to take care of you- teach your child about the way God has provided for your family with a home, food to eat, a family that loves each other etc.

4. God has created everything – Wherever you go with your children point out the wonder of God’s creation. It is a fun game to drive along the road and ask the children to point out what God made and what people made and then talk about how God made the people.

5. God created you – Talk about the miracle of birth with your children and marvel at their bodies especially as they learn to do new things and grow. Talk about how God created them and how we should look after His creation.

6. God gave us the Bible – Make a point of having a children’s Bible and talking about the Bible being one of the ways God teaches us important things about Him. Be sure to teach the difference between the Bible and a normal story book.

7. Jesus died for your sins so that you can be friends with God – Children are most receptive to the gospel at the age of 4 and the most likely to enter into a relationship with God at this stage, you can talk about Jesus dying on the cross for all of us because of the things we do wrong. It is important to stress at this age that God wants to be our forever friend and they may make the choice of following God through this.

8. Prayer is talking to God – Talk about prayer as a way of talking to God like when you have a friend you want to talk to them and play with them, God is the same He wants us to tell Him about what is going on. He wants to be our best friend. Before they can talk you can model prayer by praying for them and with them.

9. You need to learn about God through Church and stories – It is important for us to learn as much as we can about God so that we can be like Him. We cannot be a friend of someone or do what we ask if we do not learn about them. Encourage daily reading of the Bible by making a fun time as a family and prioritise going to Church together regularly.


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This article has been written by Hayley Walker from All That’s Kids (Pty) Ltd. Hayley is a mom of 2 beautiful children age 3&4, married to Graeme and runs a business that focuses on “Providing a safe environment for children to grow to their full potential”. All That’s Kids runs parenting courses, youth and children’s ministry training courses and has set up a youth and children’s ministry academy with the view of helping children and families to know Jesus. See www.atk.co.za or find us on facebook.

Food Fights II: So you don't like broccoli?!

Two weeks ago I stumbled into our local clinic without an appointment, begging to see my favourite pediatric nurse. I was at my wit’s end. My 8 month old baby had been refusing to eat for two weeks already. She would take three or four reluctant mouthfuls at each meal. My fridge was bursting with dozens of freezer bags filled with liquidized everything-a-baby-loves but she didn’t want any of it!

The nurse asked a few questions.
1. Could she be teething? Does she have a cold?
2. How is the texture of the food? How are her fine motor skills?
None of my answers could shed any light on the matter of my baby’s hunger strike.

Then the nurse handed me a suggested feeding schedule for an eight-month-old. I was very proud to see that I had been feeding solids and milk at the exact recommended intervals, but, oh boy, I had been giving double the recommended amount of milk at every liquid meal! I had been following the advice on the back of the formula tin. She obviously had no appetite left after gulping down twice the recommended amount of milk! We rectified the problem and she’s been munching away happily ever since.

An eating problem can be very complicated or extremely simple. Keep the following guidelines in mind. They will navigate you through the jungle:

1. It is a myth that children know what their bodies need. Blood sugar levels can tell you that you need ice-cream when you had just had some half an hour before! When your body needs energy, it will go for anything quick and tasty. Fish and veggies do not qualify. Ever seen a child sneak into the kitchen to steal a celery stick? Still, many children’s bodies need exactly that!

2. Write down the dislikes of your fussy eater. Now put on your detective hat and look for the culprit. Which of those foods contain known allergens (such as dairy, citrus, soy or wheat?) Which have a distinct texture that might be irritating your child? Arrange for tests if you suspect an allergy.

4. Encourage physical activity. Active children are better eaters.

5. Ask your doctor for a recommendation of a good food supplement. This will make up for those days at the red and yellow Drive Through…Taking vitamins and minerals in isolation has been compared to licking your roof when you have a zinc deficiency. It is not as effective as one would hope!

6. Allow your children to give input on what they would like to eat. Let them shop for groceries with you.

7. Have rules and traditions that protect meal time as a special family occasion. “No eating in front of the TV except over week-ends” or “Only those who can speak calmly and politely may stay at the table.” Research has shown that children from families that eat together three or more evenings per week have significant intellectual and emotional developmental advantages over those who do not eat together.

8. Lastly, plan your children’s meals as well as you can.

Use all the control that you have, without forcing the food issue too much. Emphasize eating as a favour you do your body, rather than a favour you do your mom. It is a matter of responsible living, not of obedience.

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This week’s article has been written by Hettie Britz. Hettie is married to a Gospel singer and music producer, Louis Brittz and they have 2 daughters and a son.

As a former speech, language and hearing therapist, Hettie worked in a multi-disciplinary practice alongside a paediatrician, psychologist, occupational therapist and other speech therapists. She gained extensive experience in therapy and parental guidance. She also pioneered an educational upliftment project in Proclamation Hill where she worked with many challenging children (and their extremely challenging parents!), dealing with everything from nutrition and computer skills to molestation and spiritual counseling. It was while working at this centre that her passion for children and parents started her on a new career path.

Since 2002 she has presented seminars across the country as well as overseas in churches, schools and corporate surroundings on a variety of topics related to Christian parenting and education. Her books “Kweek Kinders met Karakter” and “Kweek Gesonde Gesag” were published in 2007 and 2008, along with the English versions “Growing Kids with Character” and “Growing Kids through Healthy Authority”

Dealing with Bored Children

At some point or the other, almost every parent hears their children say, “I’m bored!” This can become a particular problem during these long mid-year holidays, especially if your child has no real interest in watching soccer games!

In an article written to express her thoughts around children and boredom, Sandra Dodd said:

"It's a valuable lesson to learn to deal with boredom, just like all other emotions."

Until I read that, I hadn’t ever thought of boredom as an emotion. I liked the idea. When a child comes to me seeking advice on how to deal with any emotional state, I'm flattered and glad for the opportunity.

Traditionally in this culture boredom is seen as a state of sin. "I’m bored" is met by unthinking parents with, "Then mop the kitchen," or "You have a thousand dollars’ worth of toys, you can’t be bored," or "Boredom’s good for you." I believe the VERY common habit of belittling children who use the word "bored" should be rethought (or "thought," since it seems many parents have never considered it carefully but just repeat what their parents said to them).

If a child came and said she was heartbroken would you tell her she was a brat and should clean the garage? If a child came and said he was angry enough to hit would you say, "Then sit down and read a book whether you want to or not"? Wouldn’t you try to help them? It's nonsensical to me that some parents shame their children for saying they are at a loss about what to do next.

The most to be accomplished from punishing or sending bored kids away is that the kids will learn not to go to that parent for advice and ideas.

Sometimes the real message behind "I'm bored" is "I'm little and feeling agitated and vaguely unhappy and I don't know what I can do to get over this uncomfortable feeling. What would you do if you were my age, in this house, on a day like this?"

I think that deserves a helpful, respectful response.”

Sandra’s challenge is a pertinent one. Although our own frustrations with our children’s boredom can quickly mount up, perhaps we should instead see this as an opportunity to engage with them – to see their boredom as an emotional state rather than a failing. The solution may not necessarily be in becoming their play mate, but rather in teaching them to stimulate themselves both intellectually and emotionally. If we take their declarations of boredom as an opportunity to shape them instead of an irritation, then we may just save ourselves from hearing them repeat the phrase another couple of hundred times!

(To read Sandra Dodd’s full article, please go to http://sandradodd.com).

The Influence of Fathers

"One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
George Herbert (17th Century English poet and clergyman)

Every year we celebrate Father’s Day but for many people this celebration can be a little confusing. They don’t have any positive feelings for their fathers at all because of situations of abuse or neglect. Father’s themselves can also feel a little ambivalent about the day wondering, "Am I doing this right? And am I doing enough?"

However, there is considerable scientific and sociological research, which points toward a common conclusion: Fathers matter – and good fathers offer a world of benefits to their sons and daughters.

The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse certainly back this kind of thinking as they list the many benefits of effective fatherhood. Citing information from a National Fatherhood Initiative publication titled “The Father Factor: How Father Absence Affects Our Youth,” the NRFC notes that fathers who play an active role in their children's lives can significantly increase the quality of their children's lives, and decrease the threats to their healthy development:

• Research indicates that children are more likely to be healthy when they have fathers who are involved in daily efforts to ensure their health and safety.

• Children whose fathers live with them are less likely to be either abused or neglected.

• Children who live with their father and mother are less likely to engage in problematic behaviors that result in their being suspended or expelled from school.

• Girls whose fathers are not involved in their lives are at considerably higher risk of early sexual activity (and are seven times more likely to become pregnant) than are adolescents whose fathers are involved with their upbringing.

• Having a close relationship with one's father has been identified as a significant protective factor against adolescent drug and alcohol abuse.

FOOD FIGHTS

Why are food and eating such notorious battlefields in parenting? Why do almost all parents feel some obligation to force their kids to eat what the kids won’t eat and why do children have such an urge to eat what their parents would rather they didn’t eat? I have a theory that both parents and children misunderstand eating as an exercise in obedience. Eating should not be seen in this way. It should not always involve clashing wills. Rather, it should be seen as a time for togetherness as a family, a privilege to enjoy together and an opportunity to nurture our bodies.

Our need for control over all of our children’s actions and our inability to gradually transfer responsibility to them, often lead to this problem. We interpret a refusal to eat something as disobedience. Why? Mothers start by feeding babies from their own bodies. They have absolute responsibility and control. They decide when, what and how much to feed their babies. This becomes the central way in which they take care of their babies. They take it extremely seriously because babies that don’t eat well and enough, die. Still, it is very hard to make a baby drink when it doesn’t want to. Why, then, do we think we can make toddlers eat what, when and as much as we want them to eat? And why do we fret over half a sandwich that came back in the lunch box? Toddlers don’t die from skipping a meal, or even two! When we get that first “pumpkin spray” all over our faces because our baby discovered the ability to spit out what she does not like, we should realize that we will not always be in control of what our child eats. We have a real problem dealing with this aspect of our child’s will. We revert to force. And voilà – the food fights begin. We justify our force by saying that we absolutely HAVE to make our children eat healthy. If we could play the game differently, and rather play a guiding role whereby we teach rather than force good eating habits, we might change dinner time from a feud into a feast. Perhaps force and feeding were never meant to go together. Staring with hungry eyes while everyone else was enjoying a tempting dessert. We were disqualified by some or other inedible vegetable.

The weapons of threat and shame simply will never teach children healthy eating habits. In fact, research shows that those children subjected to fewer rules and punishment around eating, tend to have fewer food issues (eating disorders, food addictions, picky eating habits, health obsessions and weight struggles) as adults.

I am convinced that parents should rethink the food fiasco. Yes, we take our responsibility to feed our children healthy foods very seriously. We should, however, take a hard look at some of the methods we use to achieve this goal. We get some clues as to how we can do better, by watching the natural ways in which our children learn other good behaviour from us. Here are some suggestions:

• Children want to be like Mom and Dad .
• Children follow our example.
• Children love games or a challenge. Dare them to eat a “grown-up” food for the first time.
• Children hate doing things when they don’t understand the purpose. Explain in simple terms how foods of different colours contain different types of nutrition.
• Children get sneaky or rebellious when we are too strict. Children fear the unknown. Make a rule that your children do not have to eat everything on their plates, but they have to tolerate it. No-one is allowed to say “yucky” or “gross”, pull faces or remove food from their plates, but they are allowed to leave it. One day in an unguarded, hungry moment, they decide to give that recurring slice of cucumber a try… More often than not they discover it doesn’t bite back!

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This week’s article has been written by Hettie Britz. Hettie is married to a Gospel singer and music producer, Louis Brittz and they have 2 daughters and a son.

As a former speech, language and hearing therapist, Hettie worked in a multi-disciplinary practice alongside a paediatrician, psychologist, occupational therapist and other speech therapists. She gained extensive experience in therapy and parental guidance. She also pioneered an educational upliftment project in Proclamation Hill where she worked with many challenging children (and their extremely challenging parents!), dealing with everything from nutrition and computer skills to molestation and spiritual counseling. It was while working at this centre that her passion for children and parents started her on a new career path.

Since 2002 she has presented seminars across the country as well as overseas in churches, schools and corporate surroundings on a variety of topics related to Christian parenting and education. Her books “Kweek Kinders met Karakter” and “Kweek Gesonde Gesag” were published in 2007 and 2008, along with the English versions “Growing Kids with Character” and “Growing Kids through Healthy Authority”